On the second day of school, as he sits at the counter eating his breakfast, Brady asks me:
“Mom, am I weird?”
I know that’s a word usually said with negative intent, especially when kids are using it to label children who seem so different. Like my Brady.
I take a deep breath and before I can answer him, he asks: “What does weird mean?”
“It means unusual, or just different. Not the norm,” I reply carefully. My heart drops and I’m not happy with my response because I know that when a child is told they are weird, it isn’t said with a pat on the back. It is hurtful and meant to alienate. Weird = NOT COOL.
Brady is in the 4th grade this year and he definitely stands out at times, but this has never bothered him before. At nearly 10 years old, he’s becoming more self-aware. On the very first day of school this year, he was eating his breakfast at the counter and asked me if I liked how he styled his hair. He’s been growing it a bit longer on top and just started self-styling with a bit of gel and some water.
“How do you like your hair to look, Brady?” I ask him thoughtfully.
“I want it to go this direction in the front and then the other direction over on this side. Just like Ace Ventura,” he responds.
“It certainly looks like you’ve styled it perfectly then. Good job.”
He smiles and continues eating.
Hair matters now for Brady. He’s making that clear and so I tread lightly because I know how important it is for kids to express themselves freely – to be who they are happiest being, hairstyle, clothing choice and all. Indeed, I had a few very interesting hairdos after the age of 10. I even had one that consisted of waking up extra early so I could curl eight separate bunches of hair on my right side only. They were not brushed out; they were left to hang like soft blonde cylinders. The left side remained straight and then a lot of blush was applied to make my cheeks look incredibly rosy. This was my look and I sacrificed sleep time to make sure I didn’t have to leave the house looking half-done, even if it appeared so due to my one-sided curls.
“Why don’t you curl the other side too?” my mother once asked me.
“Because there isn’t much hair on that side,” I replied. She kept silent and I’m so glad she did. In my mind, I looked pretty and feeling this way gave me confidence to tackle the day.
Brady found some material on the beach and changed his whole look.
I try again as I clean up dishes by saying to Brady: “Everyone is weird in some way. We are all different from one another, Brady.”
“Mom, is weird the opposite of cool?”
“I don’t think so. I think you can be weird and find friends who think you are cool being different. It’s an opinion thing, Brady. You might think I’m weird for singing while I vacuum. Maybe you think that because you don’t know anyone else who belts out show tunes while vacuuming. I’m not going to stop singing though even if you think it’s weird, because it makes me happy.”
I’m not sure if he’s getting my message on this tricky topic so I try again.
“Brady, a real friend won’t make you feel bad about who you are. They won’t say your hair looks weird or make you feel like you need to change yourself. A friend will see the beauty in your uniqueness and be drawn to it.”
I continue, hoping some of this is sinking in: “Remember, everyone has an opinion but that doesn’t mean they are right. It’s just their opinion.”
We had to leave to walk to school together, but our conversation made me think about how every child wants to be accepted by their peers, to feel important (“cool”), and to feel comfortable in their own skin. It’s not an easy road for any kid, but I believe it is especially challenging for children who have autism and are keenly aware of whether someone likes them or finds them just too different.
Acceptance of differences is an area where children need an adult’s guidance and active modeling. Brady’s three siblings are learning that EVERYONE has flecks of strangeness in them and often that’s what makes them so interesting.
Frequently, it is the way things are said that makes them hurt the receiver’s ears the most. The not-so-kind sarcasm and the repugnant tones can easily pierce the heart of young children who want nothing else but to be considered as cool for just being who they are. As humans, we are quick to judge others based on a snapshot, such as a hard day, without understanding what may have impacted a person’s behavior (e.g. poor sleep, an earlier event, low blood sugar). We all have our struggles and are in need of compassion, as well as forgiveness.
Brady being Brady is wonderful for me to witness. He’s the ‘thinking outside of the box’ creative type who is also unexpectedly funny (quirky humor that really sends us into fits of laughter). He’s a climber, a methodical crab digger, an astute coin finder, and a collector of anything new to him and therefore interesting. Brady is a deeply feeling individual who sees the world differently than most. He’s also a young boy who wants to be accepted, but don’t we all?
Dearest Brady,
Being weird IS being cool. If we were all the same, the world would be boring. I think about the many novelists (Stephen King), painters (M.C. Escher, Georgia O’Keefe), photographers (Ansel Adams), and other trailblazers who were divergent thinkers and therefore opened others’ eyes to the beauty of life from their wonderfully original perspectives. And here is a secret for you, my dear, I’m weird too (and so is your dad). I’m sure that’s a big part of the reason you love us so much.
Always remember that you are a unique person. Just find friends who are as Wonderful, Exciting, Interesting, Real, and as unabashedly Different as you!
Love,
Your WEIRD Mom
Brady: “Be careful of the biggest one, Eddy. He’s not in a good mood because I tricked him.”
Alexis: “Brady, did you check to see if Eddy is really a boy?”
Brady: “Yes, he’s a boy.”
Cedric: “The smaller one is digging a hole.”
Reagan: “Yeah, Brady. Is there enough sand in there for them? What about food?”
Brady: “Uh-oh, Eddy now has tears in his eyes. Do you see? It’s time for me to let him go. Come with me to the back of the beach, guys. Eddy doesn’t want the others knowing where he is so he can find his own hole.”
Reagan: “I don’t want to pick him up though.”
Brady: “I will use this twig to distract him and then I grab him from behind. I will do it.”
Brady’s three siblings follow him to the back of the beach for the exciting release.
Aw. Questions like this always catch me off guard. I mean, I think about how to reply and then when it’s 7am and we’re eating or whatever, and it comes up, I stall for a bit. It sounds to me like you answered perfectly perfect, and I agree that we’re all weird. Also, the coolest kids in school for me were the ones that were definitely not very cool later. Here’s to being weird!
Love, your WEIRD friend 🙂
Weird – the wonderful compliment!
The opposite of dreary, dull, and boring.
Love