Middle school. A gigantic new environment – outside the boundaries of our school pyramid – so that he will get the support he needs to learn.
Alarm sounding at 6am, getting dressed and out of the house to sit on a bus for 50 minutes.
“Mr. Bonkin (bus driver) lets me go back to sleep, Mom.”
High emotion bubbles up after school as he tells me about the interactions with some classmates and how he believes that no one really likes him. “I don’t have any friends.”
Socially, he struggles. He always has, but now even more so. Brady does not understand how his words and tone can be interpreted by others. He jumps to extreme conclusions about how others feel about him. He adds extra parts to his verbal stories about what a student said to him or how they are at fault. His feelings play out intensely as his eyes water, voice becomes louder, body clenches. His words and thoughts are his only truth. Taking in another perspective is often impossible.
I arrive home about an hour after Brady and his older sister, my early rising middle school kids. A caretaker meets Brady at his bus stop while I am teaching mathematics at our local high school about ten minutes away. The caretaker is new, and the relationship is still budding.
I am anxious that maybe it won’t work out again. Brady has been through five other caretakers who either quit or I had to dismiss. I send emails to the caretaker agency to bring awareness to what a good match looks like for Brady:
Brady is a very active 13-year-old who likes to be outside riding bikes, fishing, building things, and other activities where he is not afraid to get dirty. At the same time, he is very creative and enjoys putting together forts, writing books, and making just about anything out of tin foil and tape or anything else he can find.
While Brady is generally a happy kid, there are times when he gets angry or frustrated which can manifest as yelling, crying, and in some instances, mild aggression.
The next caretaker is one that can be active with Brady and participate in the activities mentioned. Most importantly, when Brady’s anger or frustration emerges, the caretaker needs to be able to effectively take control of the situation (to keep him and others safe) with appropriate calming and redirecting strategies.
But still, many of the caretakers are not trained in how to assist a teen on the spectrum, with a fun mix of puberty hormones which adds some extra special ‘spice’ to an already challenging child.
Just like any other teenager, he is calm and happy one moment, and then suddenly wildly emotional about a sibling’s reaction, or really any happening at all. It can feel very intense, confusing, and stressful to the person on the receiving end.
I’ve heard from other autism mothers that these are the toughest years. To expect big backslides in behavior, and emotional regulation. There will likely be more aggression and frequent mood swings that aren’t easy to navigate.
They tell me this is NORMAL. And that it will pass, but not for a while. They tell me that this turbulent, unpredictable time will be through middle school and even into high school. Current medications may not be as effective as they were when he was in elementary school as his body is changing.
Sliding backward with a child on the spectrum is hard on everyone in the family. “Why don’t you send him back to the therapeutic home, Mom?” his two older siblings ask me when we have had particularly rough evenings with Brady’s emotional state.
Because he isn’t self-harming or talking about suicide. Because I can still reach him after the emotional storm passes, even if it is many hours later. “Mom, things really frustrate me!”
After an emotional outburst, Brady and I often walk and talk to help him release his thoughts. It helps both of us. Other times, reading from his favorite graphic book series “Dog Man,” puts him in a better headspace. And lately, going into my jacuzzi and feeling the pressure of the jets on his body helps alleviate the negative circling thoughts that can seize his brain.
There isn’t always a solution in the moment but knowing that I can call a crisis counselor any time I need support is a way to lift the weight and stress of not knowing how to stop the escalation of behavior.
Sitting on the bathroom floor with Brady, one Sunday afternoon after a long, emotional outburst, I hold my phone while it is on speaker with a crisis counselor from REACH:
Counselor: “Brady, next time you want to destroy something, please give it to your mom, okay?”
Brady, quietly: “okay.”
Counselor: “Your mom will not get mad. She wants to help you when you feel upset.”
Me, stroking his back: “No, I will never get mad, Brady. I don’t want you to hurt things and then feel horrible about it.”
We stayed on that phone for more than twenty minutes and by the end, Brady was calm, and I was grateful to have a professional that really gets kids on the spectrum. Support like this is the life raft that saves me.
Compassionate listening, reassurance, and assistance. This is what Brady and I both need to navigate difficult occurrences.
“Ms. Vaughn, you call whenever you even think about calling us. Don’t ever hesitate. And if we need to send someone out, we will. You are doing an amazing job and we are here for you, not just Brady.”
As a special needs parent, I’ve learned that it’s okay to admit to others that things are hard. It’s okay to ask for help, and to actively seek out support. We aren’t supposed to weather the storm alone.
The REACH program is designed to meet the crisis support needs of individuals who have a developmental disability and are experiencing crisis events that put them at risk for homelessness, incarceration, hospitalization, and/or danger to self or others. REACH programs offer an additional layer of support to emergency services, the state hospital system, and caregivers who work most closely with individuals with a developmental disability (DD).
What does REACH offer?
• 24/7 crisis line: 855-917-8278 (Adults) 888-908-0486 (Children)
• Mobile crisis supports in the home and community
• Short-term residential crisis stabilization at the Crisis Therapeutic Home
• Community and home-based crisis intervention and stabilization support
So much love to you. Let’s catch up soon please. xoxo