It can be easy – too easy—to assume that people on the spectrum prefer not to engage that much, if at all, with others.
This is a very false assumption. Children and adults with autism want to connect and engage with others. They desire social relationships just as much as their neurotypical peers do.
It is the challenges with social interactions and communication skills that can present difficulties in forming meaningful bonds with peers.
Many autistic children need social groups and behavioral therapies so they can learn and develop the tools of how to read social cues and practice using those skills to appropriately respond and carry on conversation.
This is not a simple undertaking. Often families need a network of supportive resources to help their autistic child develop more appropriate behaviors, become more self-aware, and understand the nuances of communication.
The unwritten social ‘rules’ can be confusing and not at all obvious to those on the spectrum.
Think of it this way: Socializing must be inherently harder when you don’t naturally interpret body language or pick up on the implied meaning behind the words or phrases.
Miscommunication occurs which can lead to significant frustration on the part of the listener and the speaker. Weak emotional regulation, which is a part of autism, can also strain or fracture budding relationships.
What do I mean by weak emotional regulation? Emotional regulation refers to the ability to recognize, manage and respond to one’s own internal emotions. The ability to regulate emotions is very difficult for children with autism. Emotional outbursts stem from not being able to process and control big emotions — from feeling overwhelmed. Such outbursts can be taxing on everyone involved as they can be aggressive, destructive, and even odd (hand flapping, rocking, repeating the same words while crying uncontrollably).
As a mother to a thirteen-year-old
child on the spectrum, I regularly witness my son’s inability to regulate his
responses to others. He struggles with being receptive to feedback intended to
help him calm down.
Lately with the onset of puberty, maintaining a calm state and being open to coping strategies has been increasingly challenging for him. These bubbling-over-the-top emotions can cause peers to distance themselves from a friend on the spectrum. From the friend’s point of view, it’s understandable.
I get it.
But from a mother’s
point of view, it is heartbreaking to watch Brady struggle socially. He needs a
friend.
Autistic individuals need to be a part of the social world around them. This is why parents, teachers, and therapists work so diligently to coach and develop ways for kids like Brady to better cope with their emotions.
The teachers and staff who work with Brady talk him through ways of calming himself when he displays signs of intense frustration.
“Let’s take a break.”
“Let’s walk the hall for a minute so we can reset.”
“Try taking a couple of deep breaths with me.”
Learning how to socialize appropriately is an integral part of helping children on the spectrum develop friendships, and relationships with teachers, future coworkers, and others who cross their path. Although this can be particularly challenging for kids (and even adults) with autism, there are many great strategies that help the person manage their emotions better and as a result, make those relationships that bring joy and fulfillment to their lives.
And really, doesn’t everyone desire a peer relationship anchored in compassion and acceptance?
It’s all so overwhelming. You’re doing a great job, Mama. xoxo