Parenting a child with autism can be tough in unforeseen ways. When I’m dealing with so many overlapping issues concerning Brady, I find it helpful and necessary to step back, pause, soften my eyes, take a few deep breaths and to reflect on what I can and cannot change about him, about his environment at home or at school, or about his future. A kid like Brady reminds a parent that you do not have control over many things you wish you could change. Life isn’t predictable in the least — I never know what Brady’s mood will be like in the morning at breakfast or even after school when he exits the building to walk home with me. He is often in tears or upset about something that is stuck in his head (consuming circular thoughts can plague him for an entire day). Other days he’s happy and chatting to me about an art project or his love for multiplication (“Division is even easier, Mom.”).
Would I like to take away so many of the mental challenges that cause him to say things like: “I hate my brain!” and “My brain is telling me bad stuff,” and so on? Yes, of course. I can see how much anxiety can take away from him being at ease, happy, and confident. The fact is that I cannot preform a magical do-it-yourself brain surgery at home for my affectionate little boy. I can talk to him until I’m blue in the face about telling our brains we can do something if we just try and that we can fight negative thoughts with positive ones. I imagine that it must be a lot of work for adults who is suffer from anxiety and ADHD to employ these strategies, and even more so for a child — for them, it must be excruciating, or perhaps impossible, at times (hence the meltdowns, tears, anger).
Even so, some days, negativity and worries are kept to a soft whisper in Brady’s brain. But other days – these voices are yelling out: “This is stupid, and you are dumb!” “You can’t read like Bobby can and you will have to repeat third grade!” — and they won’t shut up. The voices must exhaust him but I’m glad he tells me everything his brain has been saying so we can talk through the lies and remind ourselves of the reality.
I will always grieve over some of the things I cannot change about Brady because I clearly see how crippling his anxiety is when its ugly fingers hijack his brain for a while. There’s light though. I’m so incredibly proud when in the moment, we work through the issue that’s bothering him.
For a kid like Brady all I can really control is the way I choose to respond in these difficult moments. I can continually teach him the tools to help him cope, in hopes that one day, he will naturally reach into his super-sized toolbox and help himself. I’ll continue to stand by his side resolute, showing him through my actions that kindness to one’s self is critical for self-acceptance. What is self-acceptance? I like this definition: Self-acceptance is observing yourself in the present moment without judgment. *
Be compassionate to yourself first, Brady. Then be just as kind to others. Life will have its ups and downs, so give yourself plenty of breaks and then pick yourself back up and try again or try a new path.
I’ll never give up on you. That I can control.
*Taken from Christie Inge, Life Coach, Master Healer
I love the end message about self-compassion. It’s too easy to be hard on ourselves in general. I’m so glad you launched this beautiful and amazing website! Congratulations!!!
Our special needs kids can be especially hard on themselves which can be so destructive to their self image. I can only hope that by teaching Brady to view himself in a “I am worthy. I am okay. I can do this.” kind of way that it will eventually stick in his mind as he proves over and over that he IS doing it! There was a testimonial on the Today Show site from an adult autistic man who proclaimed that without a doubt his parents were so instrumental in his mental growth by their unwavering, loving support. We do make a huge difference to these beautifully complex kids!
Wonderful reminder about control over people and situations. Makes me think of something I read in a devotional about the need for us to give up the illusion of being able to control our circumstances to have any peace.
This is so true, Katherine. It’s something I have to remind myself of every time life hits a hard bump with Brady. All I can do is continue to support him in all the ways I am able.
This website helps mothers of all children. Every mom feels the frustrations and inadequacies of being responsible for raising a child. By sharing your wisdom you are inspiring and encouraging all caregivers to take a step back, breathe deeply, and try a new approach. Children do not come in a standard package. Being flexible while learning is key to raising every child no matter the abilities or disabilities. I love your website and those precious pictures.