Early on, those years when I was juggling 4 kids – ages 4 and under – I became stubborn about a few things. You see, in those early years, I’d declare by mid-morning that we all must “get in the car” because “we are going somewhere.” My daily inclination to escape the loudness of the house by heading out to go to a playground, run around Target while I picked up a few necessities, was incredibly strong. Although I needed to wear my kids out, rain or shine, having a small child on the spectrum would frequently put a major kink in my well-thought out, early-morning-in-the-shower conclusion of “yes, this outing will be great.”
I never knew when Brady would suddenly hit a wall. It could be in the middle of Target or Walmart; it could be in front of the oranges at Giant; it could be at the gas station, or even at a playground. My little man Brady would yell so loudly that our ears rang and when everything in my (diaper) bag of tricks wasn’t working (“Cheerios, Brady?” “Look at this squishy toy!”), holding back tears and frustration, I’d announce calmly but sternly to my other three kids: “We’ve got to go now. Brady can’t handle being here any longer.”
Then one day when Brady was about 3, it happened. I had a complete mental shift. We had just arrived at a new playground about 30 minutes away from our home. My four kids were playing so well, and all was calm, until it wasn’t. Only 20 minutes after arriving, Brady started shrieking (he never just cried, it was always deafening). I tried everything- lots of TLC, food, drink, diaper change. I looked around at my other children having so much fun- one on the swings, the other two making their way through the large play structure, and in that moment, I felt angry. Angry that he was messing up our pleasant outing for the umpteenth time since his birth. I put on my mental toughness and said to myself: We are NOT leaving. NO. Not this time, Brady. We’re going to tough it out. Together. (Oh yay…)
Was it easy? Not in the least. In fact, Brady cried and carried on for quite a while. During this time, I put pressure on his back, caressed his head, and held him close because these techniques have always been very soothing to him – even now at age 9. Ever since Brady was born, he has been soothed by deep pressure. He loves bear hugs and asks me to roll him tightly up in blankets “like I’m a burrito, mama!” Even pressure on his head (deep scalp massage) helps with his pop-up anxiety and being overwhelmed by his environment.
I remember that after I held him tightly for a long time on the park bench, his body loosened and I placed him in his stroller, setting the back of the stroller down so he could lie down inside. I took one of the blankets out of my diaper bag (I really was a bit like Mary Poppins, pulling all sorts of objects from her life-saving magical black purse), and used it to shade the stroller top. My Brady was encased/shaded, and drifts of the soothing spring breeze could still come through the sides. He slept. Peace at last.
That moment was a huge mental shift for me. I realized that Brady didn’t have to completely dictate our lives. I didn’t have to ‘call it a day’ just because Brady suddenly threw an epic fit. Did I get a lot of stares while he shrieked? Oh, sure, most definitely. Brady’s a LOUD one. But I learned a very important lesson that afternoon: Just because Brady has a meltdown, doesn’t mean we have to throw in the towel on our current adventure. Nope. I won’t allow that to happen every time. Not anymore. We will just push through it. Or do our best to at least TRY.
To help push through, I use a few different options for Brady, including: 1) taking a break (getting away from the stimulation), 2) deep pressure/ lots of caressing, 3) closing our eyes and taking deep breaths, 3) vocalizing what is bothering him when able to (also talking about what is going right). 4) figuring out how to adjust and move forward in a new way (creativity can be very helpful in figuring out solutions together with your ASD child). “What can we do to make this better for you? What do you think you need?”
Brady is 9 years old now. We’ve pushed through countless anxiety-filled moments (mammoth meltdowns) and although my heartbeat races when I sense a meltdown is coming, I know that if I keep my cool and allow Brady to express his frustrations, we can often push through the current moment and have a decent (even fun) time, I think it is good for Brady to use coping skills he’s acquired along the way when his mind gets overwhelmed. Forcing him to practice using his calming strategies now (with parent or adult support) will make his life much easier when he’s a lot older.
However, as an experienced momma, I know when we need to change our plans because the scene has become too much for Brady. As with parenting any child, a mother must have a plan B in mind (heck, even a plan C and D) should it become clear that she must abandon the current ship with her minions. If I’m going to teach all my children to have flexible, compassionate minds, each one must learn that we all have our limits, special needs or not. Adaptability can mean pushing through after taking a side break, or it can mean pulling up the anchor and finding alternative way to engage and have fun.
Awwww to the photo of little Brady on your shoulder! I love that you shared this breakthrough. It’s a big one to learn pushing through the moment. I still work on this!
Somedays it is easier than others – pushing through. Stars can align though if we are patient in the moment and let our brains figure out a way through. I work on this every single day, Kristi.
I never thought of pushing through. I always abandon ship when my kiddo melts down in public. I can totally see how helping him to cope and find ways to adapt actually helps him become more flexible. I need to pack some patience and be a little more trusting that he can build these important skills.
This is an amazing blog. Thank you for this gift!
Thanks, Alison! It’s a tough call to figure out in the moment whether to abandon ship or to push through and figure out a way to carry on. I think for our special needs kiddos we have to be so mindful of trying to show them HOW to adapt because life is no cake walk for any of us.
Oh Rebecca – I am so incredibly proud of you and the fact that you finally just did it -made your blog and FB page. I love to read your writings and trust me – I can relate. Blessings on you my dear dear sweet friend (who I don’t see nearly enough of – but summer is coming…)
Your friendship and support means a lot to me. Yes, I’ve stepped a little out of my comfort zone in creating this blog but my intention is unwavering – to help families feel connected and supported through the challenges of having a kid with special needs and more importantly to know that no one is truly alone in parenting. It’s the toughest job I’ve encountered but there is always, always a new day full of hope even when setbacks pop up. We must push through and seek answers for our kids. With love, we must rise up, take a deep breath, and carry on, trusting our instincts and the whisperings of our heart.