I grew up as the oldest of 4 children but didn’t like speaking up because of the direct attention it drew. I was never comfortable with people looking at me for more than a glance and certainly didn’t want to stir the pot with any controversial statements. If I was asked to explain myself on-the-spot, my heart would race. I’d blush and get tongue-tied while searching for the appropriate words to please the listener.
Always a very reflective soul, later I would have the right words to say although the moment of direct interaction had long passed. I took comfort in the black and white answer world of mathematics and luckily, that’s where I was told I excelled. She’s a math-brained person. It was true though. In math class, I’d readily raise my hand or proudly go to the chalkboard to write out a long proof of my final answer. Yes, mathematics was my strength and I loved the one-on-one interaction of tutoring other students. All eyes were on the numbers and the problem at hand. No one was studying me, what I was wearing or daring to look me right into the eyes to say something about how math was useless/dumb. That would’ve hurt my feelings (don’t talk badly about my one passion!) but I would have struggled verbally to let you know my real thoughts about math.
Math yielded an absolute, satisfying answer. I could prove it time and time again.
Of course, in other areas of life, I had topical opinions on what I perceived as right and wrong. It took me decades to hone my skills to make any kind of persuasive argument, and I certainly didn’t want to be talking to a group of people about my views or what I strongly felt should be done. Sweating, looking down, bright pink cheeks…
When I had to write, it took me at least twice as long as other students to complete English class essays, term papers. Since words never flowed easily for me, I’d put in extra hours to try to quell my anxiety over such tasks. I’d rather take a math test everyday than to have to write a graded paper or give a presentation.
At the age of 33, I had my third child and life changed so dramatically that I became quickly overwhelmed. Outings to the grocery store suddenly turned into shrieking scenes with everyone’s eyes on me and the little ‘bundle of joy’ I was carrying in a Björn on my chest. As Brady let out deafening screams at the top of his lungs, strangers would approach me to offer advice (Maybe his diaper is wet? UM NO, IT IS NOT.) or to make sure that I wasn’t harming him. To say it was hard is an understatement.
Looking back, I can clearly see that it is because of Brady that I grew into a person whom I admire more today than ever before. What do I love about myself? I love that I found my voice and transformed into a fierce advocate for my son. Being a stay-at-home mom with four young kids made me go into survival mode. I had to leave the house with them and go to the grocery store, the parks, playgrounds, fancy eateries like McDonald’s. I had to speak directly with strangers about my son and view these moments as teachable ones.
Once Brady stole a man’s hamburger when he had already taken a bite and just set it down momentarily. Brady impulsively grabbed his burger and took a huge bite; then he exclaimed very loudly: “YUCK!” whereby he promptly put the whole burger in a nearby trash can. The man was so startled that he got up and yelled out: “Hey kid!! You just stole my hamburger and then THREW IT IN THE TRASH?!” I used that moment to go right up to the irate gentleman with Brady and look him in the eye: “I’m sorry about that. I will buy you another. This is my son Brady and he has ADHD which makes his brain do impulsive things. He’s 3 and we are still learning about respecting other people’s space and things.” (Brady’s autism diagnosis came at the age of 7.)
He looked shocked. “No, it’s okay. I was just surprised.” I made Brady apologize but I doubt Brady’s brain was able to really understand why an apology was necessary. In the logical land of Brady, the man had put down the hamburger so… I think what was more surprising to Brady was that not all McDonald’s hamburgers taste the same. Some have onions and mustard. Yuck.
Before Brady, I don’t know how I would have handled that situation but being Brady’s mom gave me the courage to address it without hesitation. I realized in those moments, that being Brady’s mother meant that I had a duty to speak up and explain what ADHD really means. How does autism manifest itself in Brady? Tough questions but I felt that I must speak up on his behalf and allow my other children to hear their mother talk with strangers, friends, whomever wanted to engage with us about our Brady. The gift of compassion and understanding can take root in others over time if we just speak up.
In January 2018, I called a meeting at Brady’s school because I felt strongly that Brady need a different learning environment. I sensed he was bored and understimulated in his enhanced autism classroom. His teacher suggested meeting with just her. I told her I’d be happy to do a quick meeting with her but that I also needed a full IEP meeting for what I was going to propose. I wanted everyone’s ears – his special ed teacher, the principal, the school’s speech therapist, the occupational therapist, the school’s social worker, and a second-grade general education teacher. This gen ed teacher had allowed Brady to be a ‘member’ of her class in the late Fall for a handful of times during her 20-30 minute science period.
Why did I call an IEP meeting in early January when he was getting bits of gen ed exposure already? I knew that Brady needed more, and it needed to be on his IEP in writing so that it would be implemented immediately. Brady complained daily about his enhanced autism classroom but when he spoke incessantly about the science lesson he had learned last week in gen ed, I noticed how his whole demeanor changed as he excitedly explained how tornadoes were just funnels of spinning wind.
During that meeting, I had to advocate for additional inclusion opportunities (in the general education setting) and convince everyone that Brady was ready to take on the challenge. As his mother, I felt it was imperative for me to speak up and voice my unwavering belief that exposure to a room full of same aged peer models would indeed influence and motivate Brady in the most positive of ways, academically and socially. By the end of the meeting, I had convinced them all to give Brady a chance to spend 90% of his day in a second-grade classroom with aide support. I think this was one of the pivotal moments when I realized how much I had changed.
After a month, I called a follow up all-hands-on-deck meeting because I wanted everyone to come back to the table to discuss how Brady was doing.
“We are just blown away, Mrs. Vaughn. He’s doing so well. We are shocked. We don’t see any ‘behaviors.’ He is so happy to participate and is trying so hard to do his best. We are amazed.”
Because I said something…your voice was heard, Brady, and you were given the opportunities you needed.
Because I said something, you showed them that you are more than just an autistic kid.
You have potential. You are observant and bright. You can be influenced positively by peers.
And you’ve made a real friend.
Speak up for those who do not yet have the ability to express what they really need.
Update: Brady is now completely mainstreamed (general education classroom) with limited aide support. It’s life changing what happens when a kid is ready, and a mother finds her voice.
This has been a Finish the Sentence Friday post (for https://findingninee.com). Today’s prompt of “What I love about myself” was brought to you by another momma bear advocate, Kristi Campbell of https://findingninee.com
I’m sure many times in the early years, you had doubt about how to be a mother to Brady. There is no one else meant to be his mother. Brady is so fortunate to have a fierce advocate on his side for life. Love you both!
I knew I’d love where this prompt took you – speaking out for Brady is definitely something I love about you (and you’re an awesome mama to your others, too!). I remember when you were meeting with the school to get him more inclusive learning and I’ll say again YOU ROCK, MAMA BEAR! Truly. Brady’s got the exact right mama for him. I didn’t realize you were a math whiz and verbally shyer when younger. You certainly tackled that and write and speak amazingly well. Here’s to using our voices for our amazing kiddos. Oh, and I chuckled at the hamburger story!
Have you seen the t-shirts, “Advocate like a Mother”
It’s not easy, so a little ferocious levity helps. 🙂
Now I have the honor to advocate more *with* my son and help him to raise his own voice.