I used to think that parents were solely to blame for a child’s behavior. Before becoming a mother, I’d observe a child having a meltdown and think: Can’t you get your child to be QUIET? Come on, do something!
Once when I was given a mock interview in college, I thought I had all the answers. I had my hair up in a tight, sophisticated ‘do, a brand-new navy pinstriped pant suit, two-inch heels that made me stand even taller, and a leather-bound briefcase that demanded authority. I looked as polished as a set of freshly made porcelain teeth. Almost fresh out of college with a BS in Mathematics and many business courses under my belt, I felt ready. That spring of my senior year, I sat down for my mock interview. They filmed me so that afterwards we could discuss every detail and subconscious messaging I might be sending to the potential employer.
The first few questions were softballs like: How do you see yourself filling this role? Completely filling it! What value can you add? I’ll add value in every way possible! Am I a team player? There is no “i” in team. Collaboration is my middle name!
I firmly believed that I nailed those questions because I had rehearsed my answers, making sure the key words and business vernacular were well emphasized for the most “I’m your woman!” effect possible. I spoke clearly and with confidence because, after all, I knew what it took to succeed in the dog-eat-dog world of actuarial work. (ha)
Then, the mock interviewer gave me a situational question. Looking me in the eyes, he said:
“Let’s say you are managing a group of people on a large project. One of the associates you are working with isn’t meeting the internal deadlines you have set. In fact, you find out that this person is slacking on the project and that the others are getting disgruntled. How would you address this situation?”
I sit up even straighter, grip my fancy leather-bound notebook and reply with utmost gravity:
“I would first meet with this person in my office privately. During this private meeting, I would tell the associate that it is unacceptable to miss deadlines and it is affecting everyone on the team. I would go over the expectations of this person and the role that they play. (At this point, I have no idea what else to say so I take a deep breath and then it comes to me- an idea that will certainly straighten everything out!)
I continue: “I would tell my associate that they must write me a detailed memo this weekend about how they are going to proceed, how they plan to meet current deadlines and our goals…about how they will better contribute to the team. I would tell them I need it on Monday morning on my desk.” (I emphasized the importance of this.)
Silence. I really nailed this one!
The filming was stopped and that was the end of the mock interview. At this point, the mock interviewer mentioned something about respecting other’s personal time and working on my softer human skills to understand what the other side’s viewpoint may be. Unfortunately, the feedback I received didn’t sink in all that much. I was of the fixed mindset: “Can’t everyone just abide by the rules?” If you know the ‘rules’ and don’t follow them, then punishment is the only way to help you follow the rules going forward. Right?
Then along came my Brady, the child who changed me completely. My audacious little rule breaker from the time he could sit up. I could say things like “We don’t throw food. Stop dropping Cheerios off your tray. I said STOP. I’m counting to 3 now. 1….2….3.” None of that worked. He didn’t respond to any of the typical parenting tactics that worked well with my first two babies. This kid was pushing all my buttons. I couldn’t raise my voice with him in disgust because he would shriek at me (and giant tears would pour out of his eyes) and then my ears would ring. He was such a sensitive child (to natural stimulation around him – sounds, lights, smells, other people). He only had a few words by the time he was 3. He was developmentally delayed, and I didn’t know how to parent him.
For a while, I resented his behavior simply because I didn’t understand it. WHY was he behaving so obnoxiously? WHY was he yelling instead of using more appropriate vocal ranges? WHY did he have to drop Cheerios one by one off his tray every morning? WHY did he put mulch into his mouth when we were on playgrounds? WHY did he cry uncontrollably whenever strangers approached me to ask me if all of these kids were mine? (Perhaps this question was offensive to Brady.) WHY did he need me to hold him so tightly? WHY does he rhythmically tap his head on things? WHY does he walk on his tip toes in the house? WHY does he move his body around so recklessly (always banging into things)? WHY won’t he just sit and play with toys in the house? WHY does he hang upside down off the couch, and remain there for a minute while smiling? What’s with all the jumping and thumping around? WHY does he melt down so often?
I used to wonder why parents couldn’t get their kids to STOP doing something that I perceived as weird, annoying, or jarringly interruptive. I figured it was the parent’s fault. Perhaps they needed to tell their child how to behave and then let them know what the consequences would be if they didn’t adhere. Don’t all children fall in line once they are told these things?
I knew nothing about Sensory Processing Disorder. I knew nothing about ADHD. I knew nothing about Autism.
Now, I know quite a bit about each of these disorders because Brady is affected by them all. They are a part of him just like my heart is a part of me. His brain is wired differently- it’s beautifully unique and so fascinating. The outside world and all of its constant stimulation affect Brady in ways I can never fully understand. My brain is not his and his is not mine. The more I found out about why Brady is the way he is, the more effective I became as a parent.
Through research, therapists and incredible teachers, I realized that there are real reasons that drive each of Brady’s behaviors. Can he learn coping strategies to help him when he’s overloaded (before tears and a meltdown occurs)? YES. Will Brady ever be able to permanently stop feeling overwhelmed by his triggers mentally or physically? NO. Aren’t we all overwhelmed at times? Don’t we all need healthy coping strategies for issues that will always plague us? I think so.
Today I view behaviors as a way that children communicate their needs. If you understand the reason(s) behind the behavior–even if your child isn’t on the spectrum– you will not only understand the needs of the child more fully, but you will also be able to help and support that child in all areas of his/her life. An advocate will naturally emerge from within as you increase your understanding and provide the critical support necessary for their growth.
Can't you figure me out, Mom?
I’m ending this post with something Brady said to me when he was 5 years old. I was so touched by our exchange that I emailed the details of it to his preschool autism teacher at the time; hence, I can type it out verbatim below:
Brady and I were in the grocery store together checking out our items. He was helping me place items on the conveyor belt. He looked up at me for a few seconds and calmly said: “Mom, you and I are on the same team.”
To which I replied: ”Yes, we are on the same team. I will always be on your team, Brady.”
His eyes darted away and I saw a small smile on his face. I gave him a hug.
I knew exactly what he meant.
This has been a Finish The Sentence Friday post hosted by the fabulous Kristi Campbell of https://www.findingninee.com. (Her son Tucker and my son Brady were in the same preschool autism classroom.) The prompt was “I used to think..”
Aw! Brady and his “mom you and I are on the same team” is so sweet and says a lot, doesn’t it? It’s like he was checking in also, and your answer was perfect *sniff.* Before understanding Tucker better, I remember getting so frustrated one day at soccer tots when he was just bouncing around under a skylight and all the other kids were doing the obstacle course. We later dropped out of soccer tots, and I learned to let him have fun under the skylight if that’s what made him happy. Mrs. M was so good for all of us – our boys and us, too! The photos of tiny Brady are adorable!
Oh boy, do I recall my pre-child self! So confident, so self assured. I could handle millions of dollars in contracts and staff across the country (pretty sure I had a blue pin-stripe suit too). There was no way that 1 infant was going to change me. I could handle it. No problem! career-check, husband-check, baby-check. All of my dreams coming true. Life on track. Little did I know that my colleagues were all smirking to themselves at how much I would be forever changed. Then it happened, my little 7lb 7 oz bundle of joy. We soon realized that our bundle of joy was actually a fireball…he never stopped…and he never slept. A precocious talker with over 500 words by age 2, he was always loud, always in motion, and completely impossible to control– and so it began, the advice, the looks, the judgement everyone pointing out the very same things that my pre-child, “my kid will never do that” self said would never happen. My parents quickly learned to move everything to high-ground when we went for visits…”the blond tornado is coming” they would say. It was not an easy time. It was then that we met….and then came Brady. As the years and months passed, or friendship and our understanding of each other grew. Our little non-conformists brought us closer together and changed us for the better. George Eliot said “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.” This is what every special needs parent truly needs. Family, friends, colleagues, and even strangers sometimes, who truly understand the special needs world. People who understand and who will grow and change with you. We have indeed changed, for the better, with more compassion and understanding for our children and for others as we all navigate the ups and downs together. You have helped me focus on the joy, the good qualities, and the good times…and I am grateful to you, and to Brady who made it possible.
I really enjoyed this post.
For me, the internet (in general) and the blogosphere (in particular) is such a life enhancing world. It is a place to encounter people we probably never run into down at the Seven Eleven and yet, through bloghops like Kristi’s, we are offered a view, a glimpse, if you will into another person’s life. More to the point, it is a privileged look at how another person is experiencing the world. And, although the circumstances and situation are as varied as the people, through the ‘magic of identification’* we leave each story better for having read.
btw, loved the line:
“I looked as polished as a set of freshly made porcelain teeth.
*to hear a story (and, imo, that is what this place allows, people to share stories from their lives to other people) that we get a sense of how the other person feels.
Yup. And more. 🙂
We so often hear “Walk a mile in his shoes…” But honestly, what if we really did? Those first few steps could be eye-opening. And thanks for being so open about your initial interviewing experience. I’d bet long money most of us would have to closely identify with the self-sufficient and well-prepared candidate out to win the world – but a world they hardly knew. I know I thought I had all the answers, too.
And that Brady? Oh, my gosh, what a cutie… All the best… xoxox
What a beautiful ending. Certainly on the same time.
I remember thinking the same thing about kids and parents, and even having calm babies and toddlers made me sort of smug. I couldn’t understand other parents with their behavioral and sleep issues. Even my own siblings with young kids.
My son changed a lot when he turned six. He lost a lot of his calmness and I realized I didn’t know how to parent him at six because it was all new to me. And of course I thought of the judgy thoughts I had had in the past. They’re slipping away!